A Life Renewed

August 15, 2007 - Wt approx 187 lbs

I'm finding getting used to the whole smaller size thing strangely comical. I leaned my head sideways on my shoulder and was completely grossed out to touch this bony thing: my clavicle! I'm losing weight in the wrong places!!!!!!! Also, I was so excited to be able to bend my knees up and curl up in the chair that I made my sister take a picture. A lot of adapting to do.

Aug 22, 2007 - Wt approx 184-185 lbs "curling up in chair"

On a more serious note, here are so many things that I now realize that I used food to help me suppress. Instead of letting God take them, I just tried to ignore or used food as my scapegoat. I now refuse to let food control who I am but I am finding myself struggling now as I deal with "stuff". It's easy to spout words of wisdom like "Leave it to God and He'll supply all your needs", but in reality I am stressing over everything! I'm continuing to really struggle with a lot of emotional issues that come from my weight loss. It's difficult to explain, but essentially I am thinner and healthy physically but my head hasn't been able to catch up to my body. I am truly rediscovering and redefining who I am as a person and trying to remember that who I am in God's eyes has never changed.

WOW!!!!

June 14, 2007. Weight approx. 220 lbs

I can't believe it's been over 2 months since I last wrote a blog. My how time flies. I've had so many different things happen in that period of time. Thursday July 12, 2007 I marked my most significant milestone on this journey thus far: 100 lbs lost!

July 12, 2007 Weight 198 lbs (100 lbs lost)

I think these past weeks have perhaps been my most challenging. The problem for me with weight loss isn't the actually losing weight part. I have said before that the difficulties for me come in the psychological, emotional, spiritual. It's hard to describe but in some ways I had accepted myself as "subhuman". I am now just starting to finally see myself as a woman, not as a separate entitity. I went to visit my best friend and her new baby and for the first time I am actually excited at the idea of maybe someday being a mother myself. Perhaps I am starting to hear the ticking of my biological clock, I don't know. What I do know is that I need to be open to whatever God has in store for me and I do not have to hide behind my weight anymore.

"Hindsight" is 20/20...or maybe it just gets you contacts!

May 10, 2007 (225.2 lbs)

I am so excited that I am finally getting healthier and smaller. I had to get rid of yet another pair of capri pants, which meant one thing...shopping! I went to the store just to try on some capris for potential birthday gifts. In the dressing room I took off my glasses. They aren't fitting quite as well as they used to since I have lost weight around my face. I have always been a little vain about my eyes and thought to myself....hmmmm...contacts might be nice. I tried on a pair of white capri pants...size 18! I haven't been a size 18 since high school! They fit perfectly and just snug enough for room to shrink! I sat down for full effect and realized I had left the coat hanger on the seat...therefore, my bottom wasn't very comfortable, but the pants still fit great! Alright! Something for my birthday list!

When I stood up, I realized the coat hanger wasn't the only thing left on the seat. There, slightly crumpled and askew, sat my glasses. I tried to quickly straighten them out but the effect was still hilarious! I walked out with my glasses in hand. Determined it would not happen again I left them in the car while I ran a few more errands. I returned to the car and of course realized a moment too late that I had placed the glasses on the drivers seat. I wore them sideways as I drove home! Contacts are sounding better and better!

Good for the soul

I still cannot believe that I have lost as much weight as I have so quickly and how much better I feel. I was up at 5:30am today, ready to get moving and I’ve NEVER been a morning person!

I need to get a few things off my chest. I enjoy the compliments I’ve been getting about my weight but I also loathe them at the same time. It’s nice to be noticed, but I also hate attention and have a difficult time trusting compliments. It all just seems so superficial. Now, with this weight loss I am starting to deal with another emotion which I knew I would have to face eventually…fear. I ended up having a real pity party for myself most of the morning.

My weight has been a part of my identity since I was little and I have hidden behind my weight for way too long. I have always been a quiet but somewhat social person. Nonetheless, I struggle with trusting people for several reasons which I won’t get into. It seems that on some level my weight has been a safeguard to shield myself from getting hurt by others. My fear stems from this and I'm scared that now that I am getting closer to a healthy weight I won’t know who I am anymore and will trust people even less.

Lord, give me confidence in You and help me to focus on You alone and what You think of me.

Been thinking about...

April 15, 2007 (approx. 243 lbs)

I've been thinking about a few things this past week:

Last year, my best friend and I were going for a drive together, talking excitedly about pregnancy and just life in general. She became very serious and said to me that she was worried about me and wanted her child to grow up having her "Auntie". I don't think I said much else to her on that drive and I remember coming home and crying. It was one of the defining moments that opened my eyes to who I had become. Unfortunately, I didn't know how to stop what I was doing to myself. It was almost a year ago, but I never forgot that day.

Now today it is exactly one month until my birthday. I got weighed in at Simply for Life and I have officially lost 64.2 lbs. One of the things I am constantly aware of is how much focus I put on my weight. I have heard of people who get so caught up, even obsessed with health and weight loss that they talk and think about nothing else. I do not want that to be me, so I'm hoping this blog will serve as a means of working through my thoughts and prioritizing my life. God is first in my life and I want to be "caught up" in Him. There was a time when I wasn't sure I would live beyond my 20s. Now I can't wait to be a healthy weight before I'm 30.

April 26, 2007 (weight 233.8 lbs)

April 26, 2007 ( glasses off )

I'm extremely excited that I'm going to be seeing Superchic[k] in concert on my birthday. One song of theirs has really inspired me. I had leukemia as a teenager and the experience changed my life. I realized then that life was precious. We need to savour every moment God has given us. Unfortunately, over the years I began to lose sight, getting lost in my food addiction. I think about who I was and who I am now and realize I need to live my life to the fullest, be who God really wants me to be.

We live, we love,

We forgive and never give up

Cuz the days we are given are gifts from above

And today we remember to live and to love

("We Live" by Superchic[k])

The Journey Begins...

Okay, so blogging is not my forté...yet!

I have been wanting to do something like this for awhile now but, procrastinator that I am, just never took the time to start. Writing is a passion of mine that has slowly faded into the dust-ridden corners of my increasingly busy life. When a friend of mine suggested that I do a blog about my experience with weight loss I was inspired and started praying about the idea. I'm writing now at midnight and my eyes are slowly starting to close, but I am excited at the opportunity to express myself through various ramblings!

Thus begins my journey on a path to health, self-discovery and faith in the One who makes all things new.

Giving Up, Giving In

Christmas 20o6 (beginning wt 298 lbs)

It is hard to believe that it was only 10 weeks ago that I started the weight loss program Simply for Life.

I was caught in a wicked cycle of binge eating, eating to relieve stress, anxiety, or just out of habit. In the past 2 years, I ended up going on blood pressure medication and I was starting to have pitting edema (swelling) in my legs. I was headed for danger not only physically, but spiritually as well. My relationship with God was starting to feel pretty superficial. I really felt like much of the time I was just going through the motions and I really hated that feeling! I was letting food control my life; it was my focus...my idol. I knew that I had to let God take back control of my life, but I felt hopelessly stuck, trapped in my own addiction. I had tried dieting in the past but would yo-yo back and forth in my weight. I joined Curves which is an awesome exercise program for women. The exercise was working for a brief period, but I had changed nothing about my eating habits. I went to Curves less and less, gaining back the weight in frustration. Honestly, I was scared out of my mind.

Some ladies that I know told me that they had joined Simply for Life. After a week or two these girls were having results. I had heard that some people on this program have lost a lot of weight, but I was skepctical at first, having been jaded by many unsuccessful attempts at weight loss. I finally broke down and figured I'd at least go in for the free consultation. So, I made an appointment and before I even knew what had happened, I had signed up for a year with them. Well, I thought, this is my last resort. I have to do SOMETHING.

Feb 28, 2007, 3 weeks after starting SFL (approx. 272 lbs)

The first week I lost 13.4 pounds of fluid and the edema in my legs was virtually gone. Over the past several weeks the pounds have just seemed to melt away from my body. The biggest thing was the difference in how I FEEL. It wasn't until I started losing weight that I realized how bad things really were. I had started to lapse into depression. I am a quiet person but I had even less confidence and part of me had wanted to just give up on life.

Mar 25, 2007 (approx. 260 lbs)

I was again motivated at Curves and exercising to help tone up and increase my weight loss. After losing some of my weight, I started getting excited about so many things, even silly little things people take for granted:

-sitting in a chair and actually feeling comfortable!

-sitting in the car and not worrying that the belt will go around you!

-walking, talking, singing and not being short of breath all the time.
-decreased swelling in my legs
-feeling more confident and positive as a person.
-putting God first in my life