A Life Renewed

August 15, 2007 - Wt approx 187 lbs

I'm finding getting used to the whole smaller size thing strangely comical. I leaned my head sideways on my shoulder and was completely grossed out to touch this bony thing: my clavicle! I'm losing weight in the wrong places!!!!!!! Also, I was so excited to be able to bend my knees up and curl up in the chair that I made my sister take a picture. A lot of adapting to do.

Aug 22, 2007 - Wt approx 184-185 lbs "curling up in chair"

On a more serious note, here are so many things that I now realize that I used food to help me suppress. Instead of letting God take them, I just tried to ignore or used food as my scapegoat. I now refuse to let food control who I am but I am finding myself struggling now as I deal with "stuff". It's easy to spout words of wisdom like "Leave it to God and He'll supply all your needs", but in reality I am stressing over everything! I'm continuing to really struggle with a lot of emotional issues that come from my weight loss. It's difficult to explain, but essentially I am thinner and healthy physically but my head hasn't been able to catch up to my body. I am truly rediscovering and redefining who I am as a person and trying to remember that who I am in God's eyes has never changed.

WOW!!!!

June 14, 2007. Weight approx. 220 lbs

I can't believe it's been over 2 months since I last wrote a blog. My how time flies. I've had so many different things happen in that period of time. Thursday July 12, 2007 I marked my most significant milestone on this journey thus far: 100 lbs lost!

July 12, 2007 Weight 198 lbs (100 lbs lost)

I think these past weeks have perhaps been my most challenging. The problem for me with weight loss isn't the actually losing weight part. I have said before that the difficulties for me come in the psychological, emotional, spiritual. It's hard to describe but in some ways I had accepted myself as "subhuman". I am now just starting to finally see myself as a woman, not as a separate entitity. I went to visit my best friend and her new baby and for the first time I am actually excited at the idea of maybe someday being a mother myself. Perhaps I am starting to hear the ticking of my biological clock, I don't know. What I do know is that I need to be open to whatever God has in store for me and I do not have to hide behind my weight anymore.

"Hindsight" is 20/20...or maybe it just gets you contacts!

May 10, 2007 (225.2 lbs)

I am so excited that I am finally getting healthier and smaller. I had to get rid of yet another pair of capri pants, which meant one thing...shopping! I went to the store just to try on some capris for potential birthday gifts. In the dressing room I took off my glasses. They aren't fitting quite as well as they used to since I have lost weight around my face. I have always been a little vain about my eyes and thought to myself....hmmmm...contacts might be nice. I tried on a pair of white capri pants...size 18! I haven't been a size 18 since high school! They fit perfectly and just snug enough for room to shrink! I sat down for full effect and realized I had left the coat hanger on the seat...therefore, my bottom wasn't very comfortable, but the pants still fit great! Alright! Something for my birthday list!

When I stood up, I realized the coat hanger wasn't the only thing left on the seat. There, slightly crumpled and askew, sat my glasses. I tried to quickly straighten them out but the effect was still hilarious! I walked out with my glasses in hand. Determined it would not happen again I left them in the car while I ran a few more errands. I returned to the car and of course realized a moment too late that I had placed the glasses on the drivers seat. I wore them sideways as I drove home! Contacts are sounding better and better!

Good for the soul

I still cannot believe that I have lost as much weight as I have so quickly and how much better I feel. I was up at 5:30am today, ready to get moving and I’ve NEVER been a morning person!

I need to get a few things off my chest. I enjoy the compliments I’ve been getting about my weight but I also loathe them at the same time. It’s nice to be noticed, but I also hate attention and have a difficult time trusting compliments. It all just seems so superficial. Now, with this weight loss I am starting to deal with another emotion which I knew I would have to face eventually…fear. I ended up having a real pity party for myself most of the morning.

My weight has been a part of my identity since I was little and I have hidden behind my weight for way too long. I have always been a quiet but somewhat social person. Nonetheless, I struggle with trusting people for several reasons which I won’t get into. It seems that on some level my weight has been a safeguard to shield myself from getting hurt by others. My fear stems from this and I'm scared that now that I am getting closer to a healthy weight I won’t know who I am anymore and will trust people even less.

Lord, give me confidence in You and help me to focus on You alone and what You think of me.